Saturday, December 10, 2011


Well, Last night was one of the worst nights of my life.
I just want to go live with my mom,
but it was looking near impossible at that time.
I have no friends, not even my twin sister loves me anymore.
Just this stupid, fat body that I am forced to live in.

In 15 days, the anniversary of my best friend will be mourned.
I won't even get to visit her grave.
She was only 15 years old when her moms boyfriend shot her and her mom
On Christmas Day.
They say time heals everything.

They fucking lied.

I had 14 sleeping pills left.
14 little blue pills,
Whats the worst that could happen?
I would welcome death with arms wide open right now.
I sent a text message to everyone that I loved,
Telling them how thankful I am to have them in my lifes
and that I loved them.
I took them four by four.
Taking 10X the recommend dosage.

As I lay there, thinking back on my life, All the mistakes I had made.
I became scared to  die,
What if I went to hell?
I couldn't imagine it was worse then earth.
I drifted off to sleep, thinking death would find me and whisk me away.

About 3 hours later I woke up,
My heart was racing, 
My body shaking uncontrollably.
My mouth was so dry I couldn't swallow
I tried to get up but my legs and arms were made of rubber.
I couldn't see anything.
I crawled into the bathroom were I proceeded to throw up.

Let me tell you a little secret.
Overdosing isn't a beautiful, easy death.
It's fucking horrible.

All of that and I somehow didn't die/
Maybe two more would have killed me?
Maybe I should have washed it down with a 5th of vodka.

Today was horrible as well.
I felt like I was drunk all day long.
Horrible headaches, 
Body aches, Mind spinning.
Felt Like I was gonna be sick all day long.
I also ate bad today.
A  peice of toast with nutella - 150 calories.
A special K bar -90 calories.
A chicken sandwich from burger king - 630 calories.
870 calories.

I can't even remember the last time I ate that much.

I have been sleeping all day but I'm going back to sleep.

Stay Skinny and Happy <3


  1. PLEASE PLEASE don't die!!! You've been such an inspiration for me, I know life may suck right now but that doesn't mean its gonna stay like this forever. trust me. it will definitely get better one day. this coming from a person with 4 suicide attempts and 3 hospitalizations. even so, at least stay for your mother, imagine how sad and heartbroken she will be. im sure you didn't die for a reason. there is more to your life than what you see right before your eyes right now. you've lasted this long. daylight will come for you one day<3 stay strong

  2. Things happen in your life for a reason. You didn't die for a reason. Someone needs you here for whatever reason. we need you here. Listen to the universe. It's telling you something.
    You're going to have all sorts of failures and accomplishments. Believe me, with food and stuff I fail more than you. I guess I don't do much about it because I have to suffer through this living hell. Doesn't make much sense but you've got to find something to live for.

    Stay strong <3

  3. Oh darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, DARLING!!
    I know this is so much easier said than done but please PLEASE don't do that again, I don't know what I would do knowing or even NOT knowing that you had killed yourself.
    We all love you so so much and want to be here to listen and help. If there is anything that I can do to help then please let me know.
    It WILL get better. This isn't just some optimistic view but the truth. It might be a long road filled with difficulties and hardships but you can do it. Stay strong, I believe in you. It will all be worth it.
    I agree with stillimagining, you didn't die for a reason, there is something amazing coming around the corner.
    Please stay safe darling and remember that you are loved.
    Love Anafly

  4. Aw honey bear, I just went through this also, except I was in hospital for 8 days! Please give me a shout if there is anything I can do for you. I am always here. I am not better, I don't feel in control. But maybe we can help each other. Stay strong. Xo

  5. Please don't try that again :( Overdosing can kill you, but luckily it didn't! I'm glad. You have us to listen to you, always, please stay safe :( Look after yourself xx

  6. Ive tried this aswell.
    Its not nnice I know how u feel.
    Overdosing wont solve things it makes them worse. I lost the person i loved the most because of it. you said u text every1 that u loved hold on to them they are here for you. Please whenever u feel that low tell them or msg any1 on blogger.
    Were always ready to catch u wen u fall
    much love honey